Good Lord! I love my mom but I’m convinced she is determined
for me to never get laid...EVER. My mom suffers from
Unfilteredcommentitis. This affliction makes it impossible for her shut
the fuck up at the appropriate time. She has suffered with this horrible
condition my entire life. This is why I avoided having friends over to
the house when I was a kid. My mother’s intent was never malicious, she
simply says what she's thinking.
One of my early experiences was at the age of 10.
There was a girl in my class that everyone admired because she was stylish and
pretty and fun to be around. Of course this meant that everyone wanted to
be her very best friend. Well one day I invited her to come hang at my
house to watch TV and have lunch and she happily accepted my invitation. I was
totally excited to have my future Bestie come by and told my mom all about how
cool and beautiful and perfect she was. Well when my friend came to the
house and I introduced her to my mom, the first thing she says to this 10-year
old girl is, "Oh you are cute! but you have one of those builds where
you'll probably end up fat" Holy shit! I was too young to realize just how
messed up that was, but I still knew it wasn't a nice thing to say, especially
the first time you meet someone. And especially when it's a little kid
that can’t defend herself since it's not acceptable to tell an adult to go fuck
herself. So not cool of my mother.
Well in later years, she used her affliction to destroy and
emasculate the men in my life. Actually she was only able to destroy one man,
because I kept all others away from her after her last big gaffe.
When I was in the 10th grade, I had an enormous crush on a
senior who just so happened to be a star football player and pretty smokin' hot
by any 16-year old girls standards. I didn't think he even noticed me,
but one day on the school bus ride home, he started chatting me up. I was
in seventh heaven of course, because all of the other girls on the bus were
clearly hatin' on a playa (me). To make things better, once we got off
the bus, he started walking home with me and helped me carry a bunch of stuff I
was lugging as well. I was feeling like a Queen for a Day. I walked
home about as slowly as I could to make sure that EVERYONE saw me and the Big
Man on Campus walking home together. When we got to my house I thanked
him for being so nice to help me with my stuff. I also acted like I
barely knew he was. Of course I knew who he was. Everyone
did. I knew of him before I even entered high school because he was a big
football star and it just so happened that my mom and his dad worked together
so she had been hearing his dad brag about him for years. Anyway, just
when I thought the day couldn't get better, he asked me if I was going to
invite him in for a drink. OMG!!! He was going to enter my house with a
huge audience to witness the whole thing! Of course I invited him in and asked
him to have a seat while I dropped my stuff in the bedroom. What I was
really doing was running into my parent's bedroom to tell my mother that HE was
in OUR kitchen! I couldn't believe that the most popular, hottest boy in school
was in OUR house and she had to come meet him. BIG MISTAKE!!! She
came out to meet him alright. My mom walks into the kitchen and my dream
man, gentleman that he was, stood up to shake her hand and say hello and you
know what that dream killing, cockblocking mother of mine says????
"Oh wow, you're not very tall are you?" I just about dropped dead
right there on the kitchen floor! Once my friend got over the initial shock of
being insulted by this woman he'd never met, he simply replied "No, I guess
not". He didn't stay much longer after that and he never came over
again. My mom says that she wasn't trying to be rude, but the problem of
his height had been discussed at work many times, because his father was
concerned that he wouldn't get recruited to play college football because of
his size. Well HE didn't know that and he didn't know that my mother
already knew so much about him. It was just something that did not have
to be said and I was mortified. From that day on I never introduce my mom
to any guy I'm seeing. I will never give her the opportunity to embarrass
me again. You would think that she would be sorry for making me look like
an asshole, but she insists that she's just being honest so "what's the
big deal?" The big deal is that I don't need her running off every
guy I like or might like. She's still pissed that I dated one guy for 5
years and she never met him once. That's pretty much how it will be
FOREVER. If I ever decide to get married, she can meet my future husband
after the vows have been exchanged. I've learned my lesson. My mom
is a cockblocker and I like cock way too much to let her get in the way of me and
it.
